Everyone Has Issues
by babycakes14
Summary: A fic that explains several questions; Why did Sirius run away from home? How did Dumbledore convince Severus not to tell the world about Remus’ condition? And most importantly how did Remus & Sirius get together? Eventual SB/RL
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own anything related to Harry Potter. I've written J.K. Rowling and asked if I could adopt them, but she hasn't written me back yet, so I'm guessing the answer is no...

Chapter 1

It was almost midnight and James was still awake. He didn't know why he was still awake. It wasn't like he had anything to do or anyone to talk to. He was just lying on his bed, fully clothed, with his hands under his head, staring at the ceiling. He didn't know how long he'd been there like that, but from the tingling in his hands, he guessed it'd been a few hours at least. It was the rain's fault, he decided. He loved listening to the rain, but it kept him up all night-

_Tap tap tap_

Suddenly his head came up and he froze, listening... did someone just knock on the front door? It was midnight, surely not...

_Tap tap tap tap_

There it was again. Someone was knocking softly, hesitantly, but they were definitely there. James sat up, reaching for his wand. He wasn't afraid, exactly. Death Eaters wouldn't be knocking, after all, but he wasn't about to take any chances. He made his way downstairs, tiptoeing past his parents' bedroom, to the front door. He paused, took a deep breath, and opened it. It was nearly pitch black outside, and the wind was wet and chilly, making him shiver.

"Hey, Prongs," said a hoarse voice.

James froze, staring at the dark silhouette on his doorstep, barely discernible from the rest of the night, and then he recognized the voice. "_Sirius_?"

"Yeah," he said, but the word came out strangled. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Yeah. Can I... Can I come in, please?"

James stared at him for a moment more, his mouth hanging open, before he snapped out of it and jumped aside. "Of course, c'mon, mate, you're getting soaked."

Silently Sirius stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

James muttered "_Lumos_," and held his wand up so he could get a good look at his friend. He was pale, and while James tried to reassure himself that everyone looked pale under wandlight, he knew that Sirius was too pale, even for that. Sirius had his head turned slightly, but James could still see the beginnings of a very large bruise on his left cheek. He was hunched over, as if in pain, and his breaths were coming in short, sharp gasps. James wondered how many of his ribs were broken. "Holy fuck," James breathed. "Padfoot, what _happened_?"

Sirius shook his head and wiped his wet hair out of his eyes. His hand was trembling. "Nothing, Prongs. Could I just... could I stay here tonight?" He made eye contact then, and James saw something there he'd never expected to see in Sirius: complete vulnerability.

"Of course," James said instantly. "Do you..." James faltered. His brain had taken in far too much information in too short a time frame to be functioning properly. "Do you want something to eat?"

Sirius shook his head.

"All right," James ran a hand through his hair. "Let's go upstairs, then." He lead the way upstairs to the guest room, and Sirius followed obediently. The guest room was very similar to James' room. It had the same carpet, same wall paper, and was the same size. But it held two twin beds instead of one, and it was infinitely cleaner. James watched Sirius sit carefully on one of the beds, like he was sore and sudden, big movements hurt. "Do you want some pajamas of something?" James asked.

Sirius shook his bowed head, his hands tightening their grip on the blankets until his knuckles turned white.

James stood there for a few minutes, not knowing what to do, and then took a deep breath and asked the question he'd been wanting to ask for the last fifteen minutes. "Are you all right?"

Sirius shook his head again, and his shoulders started to spasm. It took James a full ten seconds to realize that his friend was crying. Instantly he was sitting next to Sirius, wanting to calm him down and having no idea as to how.

"Padfoot, mate, calm down," he whispered. "It's all right-" he put his hand on Sirius' back- for some reason touch always seemed to calm him down- but Sirius whimpered and jerked away. The sudden movement must have hurt his ribs, because he gasped and touched them gingerly. That scared James. His _back_ was hurt too? What was going on? "Sirius," he said in a firmer voice. "Look at me." Reluctantly, Sirius did. He wasn't crying like James had thought, but the tears were in his eyes. "What happened?"

Sirius bowed his head again. For a moment James thought he wasn't going to answer, but then he took a shuddering breath and said, "A few hours ago... My father called me into his study." He stopped.

"What did he want?" James prompted.

"He just went off on a rant about how disappointed he was in me, how I had so much potential, but I was making bad choices and worse friends and, you know," Sirius snorted. His voice was surprisingly steady. "The usual. And I really didn't give a shit, so I just sat there and let him yell at me, thinking that maybe he'd get done more quickly than usual if I didn't say anything, and then he said 'And to top it all off, you've gone and made friends with a flea-bitten half-breed mutt. Tell me, Sirius, do you purposefully befriend freaks and monsters or are they just attracted to you?"

"Oh, shit," James said, his eyes growing wide. "How did he find out?"

"Well, I asked him, because I knew there was no use in lying, he wouldn't just make something like that up. Apparently he knows the man who keeps track of the Werewolf Registry, and he told him. Anyway, he goes on to say that he's put up with a lot from me; like me getting sorted into Gryffindor, and me not getting along with my cousins, and all of my attitude, but that he wouldn't tolerate having his oldest son being seen with a filthy animal. And I got angry and yelled at him that Remus is _not_ a filthy animal, that he was ten times better than any of my cousins and... And he hit me." His voice broke. "He backhanded me so hard, it knocked me down." James could feel him start to tremble beside him. "That wasn't the first time he'd done it, but he didn't stop. He kept hitting me and kicking me and saying that he was going to pound some sense into me, and how he was going to get Remus expelled and Dumbledore fired and then I finally worked up the nerve to hit him back. He stopped and stared at me for a minute. I don't know what he was thinking, James, but the look on his face scared the shit out of me and then he..." He'd been talking so fast that his abrupt halt confused James, rather like running and stepping into a hole would cause someone to stumble. "He..." Sirius' voice broke again, and the tears that he had been holding back started to fall. James found himself holding his breath. "He left." Sirius sighed, pressing his hands to his eyes. "He said, 'Stay here. I'll be right back,' and he left." James was positive that wasn't what Sirius had been about to say, but he let it slide. Sirius continued, his words coming faster and faster as he fought to get the words out. "But I wasn't about to stick around so he could hit me some more. I'd decided I'd had enough and I was leaving. So I got up and was almost to the door when I remembered my wand was upstairs. I turned around and had only taken a few steps when I heard him yelling for me to get my ass back in his study and take my punishment like a man. And I saw him coming after me with a ridding crop-" James couldn't stop his gasp, but Sirius didn't seem to notice. "I ran up the stairs but by the time I got to the top he'd caught me. He grabbed my arm and slammed me against the wall and I..." Sirius finally made eye contact with James, his eyes frightened and pleading. "I was scared. I wanted him away from me. I didn't want him to hurt me again... So I pushed him, and he stumbled back and fell. He fell all the way down the stairs and then he... He didn't get up. I went and got my wand, but when I went back he still hadn't even moved. I don't know if he was breathing or not, I didn't stop to check, but I don't think he was. I just left and came here." Sirius stopped and looked at James, waiting for him to say something.

James stared at him, his mouth hanging open.

"I didn't mean to!" Sirius continued frantically. "I didn't want him to get hurt. I just wanted him to get away from me. I..." He faltered when James continued to stare at him, and finally he broke. His crying turned to outright sobbing and he was no longer able to force the words out. He just hunched over, grabbed to fistfuls of hair, and cried.

That jerked James out of his surprise. _Of course_ Sirius hadn't meant to hurt his father. As far as James was concerned the bastard had it coming. "Sirius," he said, tugging at his friend's hands. "Sirius, look at me." He did look. The tears were still flowing, and there was a pleading desperate look in his eyes, as if he was afraid James would call him a monster and kick him out. It took James a moment to realize that that was exactly what Sirius thought. He was afraid James would no longer want to be friends with the guy who'd (probably) killed his own father. "It's all right. You believe me? It'll be okay. No, look at me," he said when Sirius glanced away. "You can stay here as long as you want to. You don't have to go back at all, all right?" Sirius looked away again. James gently touched his face and turned his head so he was looking at James again. "_All right_?"

"But your parents-"

"Don't worry about them. They absolutely love you," James said dismissively, and then mentally added, _Which is more than you can say for your own parents. _"I'll talk to them in the morning and it'll be fine. Okay?" Sirius nodded, albeit reluctantly. James nodded back and saw the black beneath his friend's eyes. Were they bruises or was he tired? Probably a bit of both. He'd calmed down now, and he looked exhausted. "Let's get some sleep," James said, then added teasingly. "Will you be all right by yourself?"

Sirius snorted and hit him over the head with a pillow.

A/N:

so, what do you think? sound interesting? it will be a chapter fic eventually. I'm going to finish my other fic first, this one was bothering me & i wrote it down so it would leave me alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own anything related to Harry Potter. I've written J.K. Rowling and asked if I could adopt them, but she hasn't written me back yet, so I'm guessing the answer is no...

2.

Sirius didn't think he could move. His eyelids were far too heavy to lift, and he felt sick from just thinking about opening them. The sharp stab of pain from his broken ribs was reduced to a twinge if he didn't move and kept his breathing light, and that's exactly what he did. His entire body ached, and he knew from experience that it would only hurt worse when he moved... but he had to pee. He groaned. Getting up was the last thing he wanted to do right now, but damn, if he didn't it was very likely that he would wet the bed...

He took a breath to steel himself, it wasn't as deep as he would have liked because if his ribs, but it would have to do. Very slowly he sat up and swung his feet over the edge of the bed, keeping his eyes the whole time. He winced and gasped as a wave of pain washed over him, but was a bit surprised by the fact that the pain wasn't nearly as bad as the stiffness in his joints as they bent and unbent. He felt like an old man. He sat there for a moment, letting the pain run its course and wondering if this was what Remus felt like the morning after the full moon. He hoped not.

When his heart rate had slowed and he had his breathing under control, he realized he had to open his eyes to find his way to the bathroom. He'd been in James' house the summer before for about a week, so he knew the general layout, but he didn't trust himself to find his way to the bathroom blind without running into something or falling down the stairs. So very slowly and very carefully he forced his eyes open.

Sunlight streamed into the room through the window and by the look of it, it was mid-morning, maybe closer to noon. Sirius stopped to listen and could hear voices down stairs; the Potters. He stood with some difficulty and hobbled to the bathroom. After he'd used the toilet, he looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like shit. The left side of his face from the eye down was one big bruise. The eye itself was swollen, but not too badly. His nose wasn't broken, and he supposed he was lucky for that. The rain the night before had washed off any blood that had been on his face, but he still felt grimy, dirty. He needed a shower.

The hot water felt good on his back, easing the tense muscles. If he hadn't been standing up he would have fallen asleep. Forty five minutes later he turned off the tap and stepped out. He could still hear voices down stairs, but they were louder now... agitated. Quickly, as quickly as his aching body could manage, he dried off, put his clothes back on, and made his way downstairs.

He tried to be as quiet as possible, his ears straining to hear what they were saying. He couldn't quite make it out. There were three of them; a low, curt voice, and a higher, calmer one. Sirius guessed them to be Mr. and Mrs. Potter. But the third voice was high and shrieking and undeniably angry. Who was that? It definitely wasn't James. Hesitantly he entered the kitchen and saw-

His mother.

"I can't _have_ him?" she shrieked. "What do you mean, I can't _have_ him? He's my _son_! He's _mine_ and I am taking him home _right now_!"

Sirius felt the breath catch in his chest. He didn't want to go home-

"And what are you going to do with your _son_ once he's home?" said Mrs. Potter in that polite voice that only women could pull off; the stiff little tone that was only polite on the surface.

"He killed his father!" Walburga Black screeched. "What do you _think _I'll do with him?"

Sirius wasn't able to stifle his gasp- didn't want to- and four heads turned to stare at him.

"_You_," his mother seethed, baring her teeth and looking remarkably like Padfoot.

"He's dead?" Sirius asked, ignoring how hoarse and quiet his voice was.

"You pushed him down a flight of stairs and left him lying there," she spat. "What did you expect?" When Sirius failed to reply, she elaborated. "He died this morning in St. Mungo's. If you'd stopped, if you'd tried to _help_ him, we could have gotten him there sooner. If you'd _cared_, he would have been fine. But you didn't, you little bastard, and now he's _dead_. You _killed_ him."

"Mum, no-" Sirius said. He had to force the words out because his throat had grown tight.

She stalked over to him and grabbed his upper arm, ignoring Sirius' gasp of pain, and pulled him towards the door. "And now you're coming home with me and you're going to _stay_ there," she hissed. "I'm going to lock you up where no one will ever see you so you can't embarrass me further, so you can't _kill_ anyone else in the family, because merlin knows you want to-"

"Mum, just listen, please-" Sirius said, twisting in her grip. It hurt, he wanted her to let go, but after what he'd done to his father he was afraid to make her.

"You're not taking him anywhere," said Mrs. Potter, her voice quiet and cold. "You want to punish him? He's done nothing to deserve it."

"I told you. He _killed_ his father!" She let go of Sirius' arm.

"From what my son has told me," she gestured to James who was leaning against the counter with his arms folded and an angry scowl on his face, "and from what I can see on Sirius' face, it was self-defense. Would you agree, Sirius?"

"Yes," he answered faintly, nodding.

"If you insist Sirius be punished for protecting himself," Mrs. Potter said over Sirius' mother who'd started to argue. "Then we'll take this to court, and the entire wizarding world will know how terrible the Black family really is, and they'll finally have proof." She pointed to the bruises on Sirius' face, to the red handprint on his bicep. "And I assure you, Sirius will walk. But you? I don't really know. How much time in Azkaban do you think an abusive mother deserves?"

"I never touched him!" she shrieked.

"No, but you never did anything to stop his father, did you?"

Walburga's eyes narrowed, but she didn't answer. Instead she said, "You're blackmailing me?"

"If that's how you want to look at it, then yes," Mrs. Potter said almost pleasantly. "Sirius stays here, you stay quiet. Simple as that."

"Fine," she spat, quaking with fury and positively fuming. "Keep the worthless little murderer. Merlin knows, _I_ don't want him," she threw Sirius a disgusted look, "so don't expect me to take him back when you get tired of him." With that, she spun on her heal and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

The Potters and Sirius stayed where they were for a moment. No one said anything. When Sirius finally peeled his eyes from the door, he looked down at the floor beneath his feet. "Thank you," he murmured.

"Don't mention it, dear," Mrs. Potter sighed. "Now come with me and I'll fix you up." She walked passed him on her way out of the kitchen and he followed dutifully.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

James knocked on the guest room door softly.

"Yeah?" came Sirius' gruff voice.

James opened the door a bit and stuck his head in. The sun had gone down, but Sirius hadn't bothered to turn on the light. James could make out his form on the bed, blurry in the twilight. "Hey mate," he said. "Mum says supper's finished if you're hungry."

"I'm not hungry," Sirius said softly. "But tell her I said thanks anyway."

James hesitated. He didn't know what to do, didn't know what Sirius needed more right now; a friend or some time alone. He decided on the former, and went to sit on the bed. James looked at him, searching for something to say. Even in the dark, he could see the wonders his mother had done healing Sirius. The bruises on his face were barely there anymore, and he breathed easily as his ribs were no longer broken. But he laid still, one arm thrown over his eyes.

"Are you all right?" James asked, knowing the answer but asking anyway.

"No," Sirius said, his voice a shaky, breathless whine.

After a moment James asked, "Is there anything I can do?"

"No."

James sighed. "You sure?"

"Just leave me alone, James, please?" Sirius asked, his voice still trembling and breathless, but it had lost its whine.

"All right," James sighed, and stood. Everything inside him was screaming, telling him that Sirius needed something, needed help he just didn't know what to do- "Good night," he said.

"Night," Sirius mumbled.

James sighed after he closed the door behind him. He knew- _knew_ that Sirius needed something. The last five years, whenever Sirius had been down, James had always managed to cheer him up- usually by making an idiot out of himself and lending them both in detention- but this time was different and James wasn't stupid enough to miss that. He knew he wouldn't be able to fix this by making Sirius laugh, but he didn't know what else to do. James needed help almost as much as Sirius did, and it wasn't very hard to come up with someone who could.

James strode purposefully toward his bedroom. He had a letter to write.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own anything related to Harry Potter. I've written J.K. Rowling and asked if I could adopt them, but she hasn't written me back yet, so I'm guessing the answer is no...

A/N:

ok, so a while ago, I had this chapter posted, and then I accidentally deleted it, and I decided that before I reposted it, I should probably write another chapter so people don't think I have something new when I didn't... SO... it took me a while but I have a new chapter and I'm posting this chapter again! :D So if you've read this chapter before, just go ahead and skip on over ot chapter 4 which is brand-new, never been posted before! Have fun... I hope.

Chapter 3

James watched as Sirius dejectedly picked at the eggs on his plate. To say that he was worried would be an incredible understatement. It had been almost a week since Sirius had shown up on the Potter's doorstep soaking wet and beaten to a bloody pulp. He'd slept more than James thought was humanly possible; despite all that sleep he had large black circles under his eyes. He hadn't eaten a thing and he hadn't said anything beyond "Thank you for supper," and "Good night". Despite the healing charms James' mother had cast on his face the bruises hadn't completely faded yet and even in the golden light filtering in through the kitchen window their grayish yellow tint gave Sirius a sickly look.

James had tried babying Sirius. He'd tiptoed around his friend for three days, trying to get him to do _something _other than sulk in his room. James also tried to get angry with him, but Sirius had slammed the door in his face. So he had one plan left. He had to act normal. It didn't really make any sense, but it worked. When Peter's father had died in their fourth year, getting back into the normal routine had helped pull him out of his funk more than anything else. Sirius couldn't go back to what was normal because he couldn't go home, but James was going to try.

"So, mate, after we're done eating, do you want to go out back and play some Quidditch?"

"No."

"Oh," James said after a slight pause. "How about some Exploding Snap?"

"No."

"Wizard Chess?"

"No."

"Spin the Bottle?"

Startled, Sirius looked up. When he saw the grin on James' face, Sirius glared and said, "Definitely not." James' snicker died away when Sirius didn't join in.

"Well, then, what do you want to do?" James asked.

"Nothing," Sirius replied, just as dully as before.

"Why?"

"I just don't feel like it," Sirius said, his head bowed, his voice growing quiet and tight. James recognized this as the precursor to tears and steered the conversation elsewhere.

"My Mum and Dad are both at work," he said. "We have the run of the house. We can do whatever you like." When Sirius didn't answer James added. "C'mon, mate, there must be something you want to do..."

"Yeah," Sirius said, his head coming up suddenly. "Yeah, there is something. I... I'd like to go to my father's funeral if... if you know when it is..."

"Sirius," James sighed sadly. "You're father's funeral was yesterday afternoon."

Sirius gaped at him. "What?"

"We... we saw it in the obituaries in the _Daily Prophet_, but my parents they thought it best if you didn't go... considering, you know, the... the circumstances."

"Oh," Sirius said in the lost way that James had gotten used to in the past week. He threw his fork down on his plate, leaned back in his chair, and ran his hands through his hair.

"I... I'm sorry," James stammered. "But honestly, I didn't think you'd really want to go since..."

"Since I killed him?" Sirius hissed through clenched teeth.

"Since he beat the living shit out of you!" James said a bit louder than was strictly necessary.

"He was my _father_, James!" Sirius gave him a disbelieving look.

"Obviously not a very good one," James said. He did not want to get into a fight about this, but if Sirius was going to defend that bastard-

"I know that," Sirius spat. "Believe me, I know, but that doesn't change the fact that he was my father, and..."

"And what?"

"I don't know," Sirius sighed. "I was going to say that he wasn't always an ass, but that's not exactly true, is it?"

"I wouldn't know," James said trying to keep his voice as flat as possible. He was a bit miffed that Sirius had never even hinted that his father abused him. James knew that Orion Black had been beating his son for years; last week Sirius had admitted to being beaten before and in doing so had provided yet another explanation for Sirius' odd behavior at school when the Christmas and Summer holidays drew near. But he'd never said a word to anyone, not even to his best friend, and James couldn't deny the fact that it hurt just a little bit that he hadn't trusted him. But at the moment an argument was the last thing he needed-

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked sharply.

"Nothing, mate. I just..." James paused. "I just wished you'd told me-"

"Told you what?" he asked, still on the verge of anger.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe that your father was using you as a human punching bag?"

"And what would you have done about it?" Sirius asked disdainfully. "You know who my father was. You know my family. They have some very... medieval traditions. I told you about the house elves mounted on the wall, didn't I? My family wouldn't care. They'd probably approve- my mother did." He stopped and gave James a look that was a little desperate and a little lost. "You couldn't have done anything, James. Not with my father being who he was with all his money and half the Ministry in his pocket... The only reason I don't have to go home is that my father is dead and mother is a coward. And..." Sirius stopped short and ran his hands through his hair again.

"And what?" James asked yet again.

"Nothing," Sirius sighed.

"And _what_, Sirius?" James asked firmly.

"Nothing," he repeated.

"C'mon, mate. Tell me, please?"

"No," Sirius spat.

"Why not?" James asked.

"It's stupid," Sirius shrugged.

"Well, probably," James said teasingly, but softened it with a smile. "But that doesn't mean you can't tell me. You've done stupid things before."

Sirius just sighed and shook his head.

"Sirius-"

"Maybe I didn't want you to know!" Sirius said suddenly, his voice raising once again.

"That's obvious," James said. "I want to know _why_."

"I don't know," Sirius said. He had that sad, lost look again. Silently James cursed himself for putting his friend on this emotional roller-coaster ride, but since he'd started he wasn't about to give up. But Sirius didn't need anymore goading. "I guess I thought... Youmightnotwanttobefriendsanymore."

He said this last bit so quickly it took James a moment to understand what he was saying. When he did he scowled and said sharply, "Sirius, look at me." Sirius did. "Now, you know that Remus is a good person, right?" Bewildered at the sudden change of subject all Sirius could do was nod vaguely. James continued. "He _is_ a good person. He's a good friend and polite and smart as hell and you can tell he genuinely cares about people, right?" Again, Sirius nodded. "And I am very glad that he's my friend. But, Sirius, he's a bloody _werewolf_. Once a month he turns into a fully fledged monster that would tear apart anyone it came across-"

"Remus is _not_ a monster-" Sirius interrupted angrily.

"No, he's not," James said. "But Moony is. Don't try to deny it."

Sirius shook his head and looked down at the table with a sigh.

"Anyway," James continued. "My point is that if I didn't abandon Remus for that, what the hell made you think I would abandon you for having an abusive father?"

"I don't know, Prongs. Like I said, it's stupid-"

"Damn right it's stupid," James interrupted. "And honestly, I'm a bit offended."

"I'm sorry," Sirius said earnestly. "I really am, and I know you wouldn't stop being friends with me because of my father, I always knew that, I just... I wouldn't have blamed you."

James let out an exasperated sigh. "Sirius-"

_knock knock knock_

"Are you expecting company?" Sirius asked after a pause.

"Actually, yes," James said, his face brightening. "I am. Wait here a second."

As James hurried out of the homey little kitchen to the front door Sirius breathed a sigh of relief and welcomed the distraction with open arms. When it came to people and their feelings James was usually about as perceptive as a rock. After five years of rejection he was still chasing that Evans girl, wasn't he? But for some reason, Sirius was the exception to that rule. James could read him like an open book. James thought there was more to the story than Sirius was telling him and he wanted to know what it was. A few more minutes and Sirius might have cracked and told him, and because of that Sirius felt like kissing whoever was at the door. It wasn't that Sirius always broke under pressure, quite the opposite really. But pressure from James was a completely different matter. It was rather like pressure from Remus; he just couldn't stand it.

Remus was another thing Sirius was worried about. If James thought there was something Sirius wasn't talking about, then Remus would _know_ and one way or the other he'd get Sirius to tell him what it was... He didn't want to tell. The only other person who knew was his father and his father was dead, so why couldn't this die with him? Maybe Remus would have enough tact to realize that he didn't want to talk about it-

"Hey, Padfoot."

_Shit._

Sirius gaped at Remus Lupin for a moment. It was so odd seeing him in anything other than his school uniform... But that was the only thing out of place. He still had his light brown hair, his hazel eyes, his smile. Even the cuts and scrapes and bruises were normal when Sirius remembered that the full moon was only night before last. "Hey, Moony," he said. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Nothing much," Remus said with a shrug. Following James' example, he sat down at the kitchen table. "Just dropped by to see you two."

Sirius knew full well that Remus didn't live anywhere near James, his furry little problem insured that he didn't live near anyone at all, so there was no such thing as "dropping by" for him. James must have invited him over.

Remus didn't react as strongly to Sirius' appearance as Sirius had thought he might. Instead of fussing over him like Mrs. Potter or eyeing him cautiously as though he might fall over at any moment like James and Mr. Potter, Remus simply looked at him just like he always had. Sure, his eyes searched his face for a moment, taking in the bruises and his split lip, but other than that Remus acted as if everything were perfectly good and normal. While this wasn't the truth, Sirius was grateful for the illusion of it nonetheless. Remus' behavior told him one of two things: either he thought the reason behind Sirius' appearance was none of his business, or James had told him everything (everything he knew) and he was avoiding the subject for Sirius' sake. The latter seemed more likely.

"So what have you two been up to?" Remus asked.

... or not...

"Nothing much, really," James shrugged. "Since Sirius showed up we've mostly just been hanging around here."

Sirius was being paranoid. Of course James and told Remus what happened. That was thoughtful really. Sirius didn't think he could tell that story twice.

"How about you?" James asked.

"Same: nothing much." Remus pressed his hands flat on the table before curling them into fists. "I've been sleeping a lot. This summer's moons have been a little rough."

James winced in sympathy. "Sorry, Moony. Any idea why?"

Remus and Sirius made eye contact then and Sirius wondered if Remus' extra trouble during the full moon had anything to do with their little... incident in June... He hoped not...

"Not really," Remus said indifferently.

"Well," Sirius said, somewhat eager to please. "Padfoot can go with you next time now that... now that I'm here. Prongs too probably. Right?" He turned to look at James.

"I should hope so," James said with a grin. "The next full moon isn't until we're back at Hogwarts."

"Oh," Sirius said. How had he lost track of the date so easily? "Well, then it will be all four of us. You'll be all right, mate."

"Speaking of which," Remus said with a little frown. "Where's Pete? I thought you said he'd be here as well."

"Yeah. I invited him," James shrugged. "But, you know. 'Summer time is Mummie's time.' Right?"

Remus and Sirius stared at him for a moment. "He said that?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"Yep." James said and smirked.

They managed to hold in their laughter for a full three seconds.

A/N:

so, this was more of a bridge chapter. Next chapter will be nice and... well, "interesting" is a good word. Can i have a review? please? pretty please? :D


	4. Chapter 4

4.

Remus blinked, suddenly awake in the comfortable darkness of the Potter's guest room, and glanced around. It had to be very late (or very early), and the house was peaceful. So what had woken him?

From across the room there came a rustle of blankets and a quiet whimper.

It was Sirius. He was tossing and turning, his legs tangled up in the blankets. He whimpered again and mumbled something that Remus didn't quite catch. Remus climbed out of bed and walked over to him, but stopped himself before he did anything stupid, like touch him. Last time he'd touched Sirius things hadn't ended well. But in Remus' defense, Sirius had touched him first. He instigated and encouraged _everything _that they had done, so was it really Remus' fault that Sirius wouldn't speak to him or even fucking look at him for a week afterward?

Sirius let out another cry, this one louder despite the fact that it came from behind clenched teeth. He grimaced and twisted his head to the side, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead.

"Sirius," Remus said quietly, and prodded the sleeping boy's shoulder with a finger, keeping touch at the minimum. Sirius just whimpered and shrunk away, turning his face the other way. "Sirius, wake up," Remus said and poked him again. This time, instead of whimpering, Sirius scowled and flung out an arm. His hand caught Remus across his right cheek. It didn't really hurt, but it stung a bit. Remus didn't know if the blow was meant for him or the tormentor in Sirius' dream, but it annoyed him nonetheless. He gripped Sirius wrist hard and said, "Sirius!"

With a gasp and a jerk, Sirius woke up. He yanked his arm out of Remus' grip and scrambled backwards until his back hit the headboard. He looked around frantically, breathing hard. He didn't seem to know where he was. His eyes fell on Remus and for a moment he seemed to stop breathing. "Remus?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah," Remus nodded. "You just had a bad dream, Padfoot. Go back to sleep, all right?"

"You have to leave!" Sirius said, distraught. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you and James. It got late and the Potters let me stay the night," Remus explained, trying to ignore how much the statement and question hurt. Sirius didn't want him here? But James had said-

"James is here too?" Sirius said, his voice tinged with panic.

"Yes," Remus said slowly. "He lives here..."

"What?" Sirius asked, completely bewildered. "Where are we?"

"At the Potter's." Remus looked at Sirius closely. Was he even awake?

Sirius remained tensed against the headboard for a moment before asking, and a tiny, pitiful kind of voice, "Remus?"

"Yeah," Remus said earnestly. "Yeah, Sirius, I'm right here."

Sirius sighed and leaned his head back, letting the tension seep out of his limbs. "That was weird," he said.

"What?"

Sirius looked at him and swallowed before he said, "I didn't know where I was. That's never happened before. I thought I was at ho- at my family's house."

"So you don't want me to leave then?" Remus asked.

"Of course not," Sirius said, waving a hand dismissively.

Remus stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say to that. The hand bothered him the most, even if he didn't truly understand why. Finally he settled on, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," Sirius said. "Just a nightmare."

"Must've been one hell of a nightmare," Remus said. "You seemed pretty scared. When I tried to wake you up, you hit me-"

"I'm fine, Remus," Sirius said angrily.

"Good," Remus said, his voice shaking a bit. It took a surprising amount of willpower to keep his anger under control. "Then I won't bother you any more." He spun on his heel and stomped back over to his bed. He climbed in and faced the wall, putting his back toward Sirius. He lay there for a long time, angry with Sirius for being so defensive and angry with himself for expecting him to be otherwise. The silence between them grew tense and strained. Remus could deal with it, but he knew Sirius couldn't and he wondered how long it would be before Sirius cracked.

He heard the creak of bedsprings, footsteps, and then the bed sank slightly as Sirius sat down.

"Remus?"

"What?" he spat.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Remus sighed, still facing the wall. "I was just worried about you-"

"That's not what I mean," Sirius said.

Remus rolled over and looked at him. "Then what?"

"I'm sorry for... for what happened in June."

"Really?" Remus asked, his throat growing tight.

"Yes."

"Oh." Remus sat up and put his elbows in his knees. He took a breath and said, "I'm not."

"You're not?" Sirius gasped.

"No," Remus said. "I mean... I wish you would have... you know, spoken to me afterwards, but-"

"No. That's what I mean," Sirius said earnestly. "I'm sorry for avoiding you."

"Oh," Remus repeated. "Good."

"Great."

"Terrific."

"Wonderful."

"All right."

"Okay." They both sat in awkward silence before Sirius added, "And I'm sorry I hit you. Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Remus said with a laugh. "You hit like a girl."

"That Lily Evans packs one hell of a punch," Sirius said. "So I'll take that as a compliment."

Their laughter died down and silence returned, but it was more comfortable this time.

"So..." Remus said after while. "Do you remember what it was about?" When Sirius didn't answer he added, "Your nightmare."

"Uh... yeah," Sirius said hoarsely. "It was about my dad."

"And?" Remus asked. He didn't know how else to breach the subject.

But Sirius just sighed and shook his head. "It's no big deal. It's never going to happen again." Then he added bitterly, "I made sure of that myself."

"Are you sorry about that?" Remus asked quietly.

"Not as sorry as I should be," Sirius said and forced a laugh. Remus didn't reply. He just looked at him, waiting patiently. Sirius grew uncomfortable under his gaze and added desperately, his throat growing tight, "I mean... I'm sorry he's dead. You have to believe me, Remus, I am _so sorry_ that he's dead, but..." his breath caught in his throat. "But now I don't have to see him ever again, now he can't hurt me and I... I'm not sorry for that."

"Good," Remus said.

"What?" Sirius said incredulously.

"I said that's good," Remus repeated. "Just the right amount of sorry, I think. Sorry enough to prove that you're a caring human being, but not so sorry as to wish he were alive and hurting you, because he shouldn't be."

Sirius gaped at him for a moment then laughed and said, "How does your mind work?"

It was Remus' turn to be confused. "What?"

"It's just that you always think differently than everyone else and the way you think just seems to work better," Sirius said. He paused before adding, "James doesn't get it. That I'm sorry. He thinks I should be happy. And my mother probably thinks I should be suicidal with grief-"

"You're not, are you?" Remus asked sharply.

"No," Sirius said and smiled at him. The smile was wide, bright, and the corners of his eyes crinkled. It was a real smile and Remus believed him. The knot in his stomach seemed to loosen a bit.

Remus hesitated and took a deep breath. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Sirius snorted and leaned back against the wall, spinning so his legs were stretched out in front of him. "Same reason I didn't tell James, I guess," he sighed.

"And that is...?"

"I don't know," he said and Remus could hear the tears he wouldn't let fall.

Remus shifted closer, wishing he could see Sirius' face better. He wanted to tell Sirius that it was okay to cry, because it was. Goddamnit, his father was dead and it was his fault; he _should _cry. But Remus knew better than to say that out loud. Sirius would either call him a girl or slug him or both.

Then he heard Sirius' breath hitch and realized that he didn't have to say anything at all.

"Hey," Remus said, and forgot his no-touching policy. He went to put a hand on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius grabbed his outstretched hand and yanked, pulling him closer. Remus ended up sitting in his lap, and Sirius wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in Remus' neck. Remus stiffened for an instant. He didn't really know what to do... Finally he relaxed and wound his arms around Sirius' neck. Apparently this was the right thing to do, because Sirius let out a shaky sigh and held Remus tighter while the tension leaked out of his shoulders.

They stayed that way for a long time. Eventually the tickle of tears and eyelashes on Remus' neck turned into the press of lips, little kisses, gentle and so soft it sent shivers down Remus' spine-

Remus pulled away slightly and said, "Sirius, what-"

But Sirius didn't give him an opportunity to finish. He took Remus' face in his hands and kissed him full on the mouth, swallowing the rest of his question. Remus moaned quietly and kissed him back. He'd forgotten just how good Sirius tasted, forgotten how quickly this side of Sirius could undo him. This Sirius was confident, but nothing like his usual cocky self. Remus had always thought everything about Sirius sparkled; his personality, his face, his body, his eyes, his _smile..._ But when he kissed Remus nothing sparkled. Instead his eyes smoldered, and his touch electrified-

Sirius' hands left Remus' face and slid up under the hem of his t-shirt. Remus broke the kiss and pulled away until the only things touching Sirius were his hands. "Sirius, wait. We shouldn't do this."

"Why not?" Sirius asked, baffled. His hands fell to his sides. "I want to. Don't you?"

"Well... yeah, I do, but-"

"Then what's the problem?" Sirius asked and placed his hands on Remus'.

"Well... you never would have kissed me if you weren't upset and I don't want to..." he swallowed the phrase _'take advantage of you.' _"to do something you might regret later.

"I kissed you in June," Sirius said. "I wasn't upset then."

"But you regretted it," Remus said sadly. Remus wouldn't admit it, but his reasons for stopping Sirius weren't entirely selfless. He didn't want to take advantage of the situation and hurt Sirius more, that much was true. But he didn't think he could stand it if Sirius ignored him the next day like he had the last time they'd kissed. Last time he'd written off what hat happened as a fluke, an exploration, but if it happened twice he didn't think he could keep his heart from breaking.

"I told you I was sorry," Sirius said quietly, resentfully.

"I know," Remus said. "And I believe you, but I don't want to do this now. Maybe later when things are normal... if you still want to..."

Sirius sighed and let his hands drop back to his sides. "Later, then." He smiled and added, "You got yourself a date, Moony." He climbed off Remus' bed and went back to his own. "Good night," he said.

"Good night," Remus replied, and sighed in relief. He hadn't exactly expected Sirius to be angry with him for stopping the kiss, but he'd still worried. He crawled under the covers and smiled into his pillow, hoping Sirius wouldn't forget about their 'date'.

-

_"Remus is not a filthy animal, you stupid fuck!" Sirius bellowed. "He's ten times better than any of my pure-blood cousins and-" Sirius felt the back of his father's hand whip across his cheek and he stumbled back. He hit the floor hard enough to knock the air out of him. He gasped and laid there for a moment, trying to catch his breath, but before he could his father let out a savage kick that caught him in the ribs. He kicked him again and Sirius thought, _'Why did I say that? I know better than to say anything, I should have kept my stupid mouth shut-'

_His father reached down, grabbed his collar, and lifted him a few inches off the floor before slamming him down again. Sirius' head cracked against the wood and his eyes slid out of focus. Everything went fuzzy and he hardly noticed the next few blows his father dealt out._

_"I'm going to pound some sense into you," his father was saying. "And then I'm going to go and get your little flea-bitten, half-breed monster expelled. Who knows? Maybe I can even get him put down for endangering and corrupting children-"_

_With a furious roar, Sirius pushed himself off the floor and tackled his father. "Don't you fucking touch him!" he snarled and punched his father. "You hurt him and I swear, I'll-" but the words were stuck. His father's hands had wrapped around his throat and were squeezing, cutting off his air, choking him. Sirius clawed at the hands as his father stood, taking Sirius with him._

_"You've always been a smart-mouth," Orion Black said, lifting his son until his feet left the floor. "Do you remember what happens when you're smart with me?"_

_Sirius felt the panic rise and consume him- not only because he couldn't breathe, but because of his father's words. He _did_ remember what happened when he mouthed off, that's why he never said anything-_

_Orion let go and Sirius fell to the floor coughing and gasping. A hand fisted in his hair and pulled him up so he was kneeling in front of his father. He whimpered and tried to pull away. _

_"Come on, boy," Orion said and pulled Sirius' face to his crotch. "That mouth of yours is always busy. Why don't you put it to good use?"_

_"No," Sirius said through gritted teeth._

_Orion didn't listen. His free hand fumbled with his robes-_

_Sirius whimpered and tried to pull away again but his father's grip was too strong-_

"Sirius!"

He jerked awake and glanced around frantically. His gaze fell on Remus and for an instant panic gripped him. Remus couldn't be here, his father would hurt him-

"Are you alright?" Remus asked.

Then Sirius remembered. He was at the Potter's, his father was dead, and Remus was here visiting...

"Yeah," Sirius sighed. "Just a nightmare."

"Another one?" Remus asked. "How many do you usually have in one night?"

"I... I don't..." he stuttered, thankful for the darkness. Remus wouldn't see him blushing with embarrassment. "I'm not sure."

"Hhmm..." Remus said, as if he was thinking. About what, Sirius couldn't fathom.

"Anyway," Sirius sighed. "I'm all right now. So I'll... uh... let you go back to sleep."

"All right..." Remus said slowly, but didn't move. He stared at Sirius for a few more minutes and Sirius wished he could see the expression on his face more clearly. What was he thinking? Did he know what Sirius' nightmare had contained? Had he spoken in his sleep? He went cold at the thought.

"Good night," Sirius said awkwardly.

"Yeah," Remus said, shaking his head sharply as if he was trying to throw something off, clear his mind of an unwanted thought. "Good night."

Sirius watched as Remus went back to his bed and pulled the blankets over himself. Sirius lay back down, but didn't go back to sleep. For now, at least, it was safer to stay awake, where the nightmares couldn't find him.

-

A/N:

once again, sorry about the whole chapter-3-getting-erased-and-put-back-up-thing. Hope this chapter kind of made up for it. Review, please? :D


	5. Chapter 5

5.

Sirius sat across from James in their compartment on the Hogwarts Express. He was nervous, and he knew it showed. It had been so strange to be hugged goodbye by Mrs. Potter rather than his own mother, to board the train with James rather than Regulus... And it was the first time in six years that he didn't want to go to school.

People would know his father was dead. Certain people, mainly his family, would know _why_ he was dead. Bella, Andy, Cissy, Rodolphus, Rastaban, and Regulus... They would all know that Sirius had pushed him, and if they knew, it wouldn't be long before the rest of the school knew, too. He supposed he should be grateful that none of them knew what his father had done to him...

"Stop that, will you?" James asked. "You won't have any fingers left at all by the time we get to Hogwarts."

Sirius looked at his hands. He'd been chewing his nails. He always did that when he was nervous. He leaned his head back, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.

"Relax, mate," James sighed. "It'll be fine."

Sirius chose to ignore that and instead said, "Where are Moony and Wormtail? They're usually here by now."

"The train doesn't leave for half an hour. They have time."

Sirius sighed and looked out the window. They sat in silence for a while. More and more people began to walk past their compartment as more students arrived. Was it Sirius' imagination or were they looking at him more than was normal? He began bouncing his knees again. He didn't even realize he'd resumed chewing his fingernails until James cast him an annoyed look. Finally, when Sirius was starting to think he couldn't take much more sitting, he recognized two of the muffled voices on the other side of the compartment door.

"- he's really coming back to school?"

"Of course he's coming back to school, Wormtail, why wouldn't he? Oh, here they are..." The door opened and Remus and Peter entered the compartment. Peter looked frazzled and a bit frightened and sheepish. Remus seemed to be annoyed, though the way his mouth was set was the only indication of that. "Hullo," Remus said to both Sirius and James, the word somewhat terse, before he flopped down onto the seat next to Sirius.

"Hey, Moony," James and Sirius said in unconscious unison. Remus rolled his eyes and smiled a bit.

"Hey Pete," Sirius said, trying hard to keep his anxiety out of his voice. He had only heard a bit of Remus' and Peter's conversation, but he thought he knew what it meant, and if he was right things were going to be pretty unpleasant for a while.

Peter looked at him, startled, then squeaked and sat down next to James.

Remus shot him a glare, and Sirius marveled at the ferocity behind it. He'd never seen Remus truly angry... He looked then at Peter, whose eyes shot away as soon as they made contact with Sirius'.

Sirius' breath caught and nausea started worming its way up his throat. Peter, however annoying he may be sometimes, was his friend... He'd been so worried, wondering how the rest of Hogwarts would react to him, he had stopped to worry about how _Peter_ would react to him. He realized now how lucky he was in James and Remus, who hadn't condemned him or become frightened, who'd embraced and absolved him... But if Peter, his _friend_ was acting this way... what would everyone else do?

He was up and out of their compartment before he'd even made a conscious decision to move.

"What the fuck is your problem, Peter?" James snarled as Remus ran after Sirius, letting the compartment door slide shut on its own.

"What do you mean?" Peter asked quietly, and didn't meet James' gaze, which meant he knew exactly what James was talking about.

"You know what I mean!" James said. "What, are you not going to be friends with Sirius now?"

Peter's silence rather alarmed James.

"Peter-"

"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Peter asked, anger and indignation making his voice high and squeaky. "First, Remus is a werewolf. All right, if you and Sirius aren't bothered by that, then neither am I. Next, Sirius tells us he's gay. That creeped me out, considering we've lived with him for the last five years, but if Remus can put up with Sirius staring at his arse all the time, then I guess I can at least share a room with him. Now, all of the sudden, you tell me that Sirius killed his father, that he's a _murderer, _and you get angry when it upsets me_._ So tell me, James, how am I supposed to react to that?"

James sighed. "It upsets me too, Pete, but can't you tell how much it bothers Sirius?"

"I hope it would!"

"It does," James said earnestly. "C'mon, Pete, you've always been a good friend... Don't leave him now."

"I'm not going to quit being friends with him," Peter said, realizing the truth in that statement only after the words had been said. "I just need to get used to it, I guess."

*

Sirius stumbled down the narrow hallway, his ears hot and ringing- a sure sign he was about to pass out. When things started to feel far away and he had to work to make his limbs move, he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He didn't know how long he stood there, taking deep breaths, and trying not to think, before he felt a hand on his elbow, and somewhere, far away, Remus was saying, "C'mon and sit down, Padfoot, before you pass out."

Remus lead him to the nearest empty compartment and Sirius fell into the seat and buried his face in his hands. Remus sat beside him and after a few minutes the ringing in his ears stopped and the floor quit undulating beneath him. He took a deep breath and looked up.

"Better now?" Remus asked.

Sirius' ears began to burn again, this time out of shame. "Yeah," he said hoarsely.

"It'll be all right, you know. Peter's just being Peter. He'll come around."

Sirius just nodded and focused on the floor. "How do you do it?" he asked suddenly.

"Do what?"

"How do you deal with the fear that someone will find out what you are?" Sirius looked at him for the first time. "You do it everyday, and I never appreciated how hard it must be, until now."

Remus shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I guess I did it the same way you did." When Sirius looked at him questioningly, he added, "When you weren't telling us about the things your dad did."

Sirius thought about that. How had he done it? He'd locked everything away, and forgotten about it, except when he'd had nightmares. He could do that again, couldn't he? When he was used to the idea of being a murderer, it'd be easy to put it out of mind...

"I know Wormtail's being an ass, but I really didn't think it'd bother you that much. It looked like you were about to pass out," Remus left this statement open, as though hoping Sirius would tell him why.

"I'm just tired, I guess," Sirius shrugged.

"More nightmares?" Remus asked.

"Yeah," Sirius shrugged, and kept talking so Remus wouldn't have a chance to ask him what his nightmares were about. "And I'm hungry. And I'm worried about seeing Regulus. And worried about seeing my cousins. And worried about what everyone will say when they find out-"

"You worry much more and you'll give yourself an ulcer," Remus said with a small smile.

"A what?"

Remus snorted and shook his head. "Never mind."

Sirius decided to ignore that and continued. "It's just that I'm freaking out, Moony, and I never freak out that that freaks me out even more, and I don't know how to deal with it, and that freaks me out even _more-_"

"Sirius," Remus said sharply, stopping his rambling before he had a chance to start hyperventilating. Once Remus was sure he had Sirius' undivided attention he continued. "Look, Padfoot, this is going to sound harsh, but it's the truth. You're freaking out? Then deal with it. You're going to have to, because if you lose it in the Great Hall people won't just keep on half-believing rumors; they will _know_ something is wrong."

Sirius blinked and looked away, feeling his cheeks burn with embarrassment. What Remus was saying was true, he knew, but still...

"That doesn't mean that we, James and I... and Peter, won't help you deal with it, because we will, but..." He paused, seeming to struggle with something. "But if you don't tell us what it is you're really bothered about, we can only do so much, yeah?"

Sirius made eye contact then, more out of shock than anything else. Remus' gaze was too sharp, his words too near their mark... Sirius felt the blood drain from his face.

The sharpness disappeared in an instant, and Remus looked at him worriedly. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just... I'm hungry," he finally said. He wasn't; he didn't think he could keep food down right then, and that was an incredibly transparent attempt to change the subject, but Remus just sighed, nodded, and stood.

"Let's go track down the food cart," he said.

-

-

A/N: Yeah, so... odd little update, I guess, but it's an important conversation and I really couldn't match it with anything more actiony... Oh, well. Review, please? Thank you!!


	6. Chapter 6

6.

Term started and things weren't near as bad as Sirius had thought they would be. While this fact was, of course, reassuring, it was also highly embarrassing, given his behavior on the train. Peter calmed down and returned to normal in a few days. Hardly anyone seemed to know about what had happened over the summer. Those who did were his family, that is to say, practically the entire Slytherin house, but they seemed to have kept it a quiet, family fiasco, and Sirius wasn't complaining. The only time he saw Regulus was in the Great Hall during meals. He'd turn his head toward the Slytherin table hoping to catch a glimpse of his little brother. Sometimes he did. Sometimes they even made eye contact, but the look in Reggie's face was always unreadable. Sirius wanted to say something to him, but he didn't know what. He couldn't bring himself to say "I'm sorry" because he really wasn't, and he honestly didn't know how much Reggie knew. He knew that Orion Black had hit Sirius, he'd hit Regulus too, though much less often, but what else did he know? Would Sirius' action be justified in Regulus' mind, or not?

And once Remus had realized that Sirius wasn't about to completely lose it, he backed off; no more heart-to-heart talks, no more uncomfortable and prying questions that made Sirius' skin crawl, no more shrewd, piercing looks. He didn't just go back to the role of the quiet, bookish friend, though. There was an intensity to the way Remus looked at him sometimes, like he was asking Sirius to call him out on the "date" he'd promised, and once or twice he almost did, but he always chickened out at the last moment. Sirius didn't know whether this was a good thing or not.

So things carried on normally for the first couple weeks. Sirius rarely thought about his father. 'The Incident', as his friends came to call it, was surprisingly easy to put out of mind. It was only those random times when he and Regulus made eye contact across the Great Hall that even reminded him of it. None of them really had time to think about anything but school as they grew used to the mountains of homework professors were assigning, and as they got hang of studying for their NEWTs.

"Padfoot, mate, _eat,_" James said and poked Sirius' arm with his fork.

"I ate," Sirius shrugged. "I'm full."

"Well, eat more," James said, and returned to shoveling food down his throat.

Sirius snorted and grinned. "Are you my mother now?"

James just shrugged and said, "You'll wish you had, later."

Sirius frowned and looked across the table to Peter and Remus, who were eating with just as much gusto as James. "Why?"

Remus looked up then, just for an instant, and then returned to his plate with a jerk of his shoulder.

Sirius' bafflement grew at what he'd seen in Remus' eyes. He'd looked... hurt? Sirius looked at him more closely. He was thin, tired-looking, and distinctly peaky... Sirius watched as he ran a hand through is hair. His hand trembled slightly.

James kicked his leg under the table and gave him a meaningful, angry look. It had always driven Sirius nuts the way he did that. It was so... feminine. Only girls could have those silent conversations successfully and how James expected him to interpret those looks was entirely beyond him-

And then he understood, well, 'remembered' was probably a better word, and he wanted to bang his head on the table a few times.

Tonight was the full moon.

He wanted to say something, apologize for forgetting, but instead he just ducked his head, and piled more food on his plate. James was right. In about five hours, when they were running around in the forest, he'd be hungry and wish he'd eaten more.

After a few abnormally silent minutes Remus said quietly, "I have to go meet Pomfrey." He stood and they all looked up at him.

"Yeah," James said and checked his watch. "We'll be out there in a few."

Remus just nodded, turned, and walked out of the Great Hall.

Sirius nodded at him, then glanced at the Slytherin table, hoping to catch a glimpse of his brother. He didn't see Regulus, instead he saw Snape. He watched Snape's beady little eyes follow Remus, and he wondered if the greasy git could see how tired he was... Then Snape stood and followed Remus out of the hall.

Sirius stood as well.

"Where are you going?" James asked

"I'll meet you out there," he said.

He burst out of the Great Hall and immediately ran into a seventh year Ravenclaw named Liam Gray, who was also leaving, just not quickly enough for Sirius. He uttered a quick apology and started running. He managed to catch Remus in a corridor before he got the the Hospital Wing; Snape was no where in sight. Still...

"Moony!" he called, and a little ways ahead Remus stopped and turned around.

"Sirius?" He frowned a bit, confused. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sirius said breathlessly, stopping beside him. "I just... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I forgot."

Remus gave him a small, brittle smile and said, "Forget it, Pads. It's not your problem to worry about, is it?"

"What?" Sirius asked, more than a little hurt.

"I didn't mean that like it sounded; I'm just tired," Remus sighed and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I know you have your own problems, I can't- and don't- expect you to take care of mine for me. You just forgot; it's no big deal." He looked at Sirius and smiled again, this one a little more real. "It's fine, Padfoot. Really."

"All right," Sirius sighed. "I'll see you in a few."

Remus nodded tiredly, turned, and walked toward the Hospital Wing.

Sirius watched him go for a moment, then turned and headed back, the image of Snape watching Remus with that sneer on his face burning in his mind. Usually Snape went after James, sometimes Sirius, but over the years Snape had learned that the best time to bully Remus was when he was 'ill'- meaning around the full moon. Any other time of the month he couldn't get a reaction out of him- Remus was too mature, too collected and controlled. But Snape had played some nasty tricks on him in the past, when Remus was tired and sick and fuzzy, and when Sirius had seen him follow Remus, he'd been sure that Snape was going to jump him... And if Sirius thought about it, that wild surge of protectiveness wasn't exactly a new development...

Suddenly his feet were swept out from beneath him. His head whipped back and hit the stone floor with a crack.

"Hello, Black."

Sirius looked up at the figure standing over him and forced his eyes to focus. When they finally did he saw lank, greasy hair, a hooked nose, and beady black eyes, glinting maliciously. It was Snape.

"Fuck."

Snape kicked him in the ribs. "Watch your language," he said and smirked.

Sirius rolled away from him and stood, albeit a little shakily. He was suddenly very glad he'd followed Remus. If Snape had caught him-

"Where's Lupin going?" Snape asked, seeming to follow Sirius' train of thought.

"I know that nose of yours is big, Snivellus, but try to keep it out of other people's business," Sirius scoffed. Did he want to try to go for his wand? Snape already had his in hand, most likely he'd jinx him before he could get wrestle it from his pocket.

"But other people's business is so much more interesting than my own," Snape said silkily. "For example, your little episode of patricide over the summer intrigued me."

Sirius clenched his jaw and glared, but said nothing.

Snape's eyes held nothing but cold, calculating curiosity. "Did he hit you often?"

Sirius snorted and, deciding he didn't have to listen to this, stepped around Snape and headed back for the Great Hall.

But Snape wasn't done with him. "Did he _fuck_ you often?"

Sirius stopped short, his brain stuttering, and then a thousand different emotions and thoughts crashed over him like a tidal wave; the most predominant one was fear. Snape knew; he wouldn't just make something like that up. It was a card he wouldn't play unless he was sure... _How_ did he know? Slowly Sirius turned to face him. His limbs felt odd; not numb, exactly, but like he didn't have complete control over them.

"Regulus told me," Snape chuckled, answering Sirius' unasked question. Sirius wasn't exactly surprised; Reggie was the closest thing Snape had to a friend. "Have you told Potter?"

"No," Sirius said quietly.

"Lupin?"

"No."

"Do you want them to find out?" Snape asked with a wicked, malicious glint in his beady little eyes.

"No," Sirius said for the third time, trying to ignore the pathetic twinge of desperation in his voice.

"Well then, you're going to have to convince me to stay quiet, aren't you?"

Sirius lunged and slammed Snape against the wall, his hands wrapping themselves around Snape's throat before he'd made a conscious decision to move. He wanted to wipe the smirk off of that low, petty, sniveling bastard's face. He was supposed to convince him to keep silent? Fine. He could choke the life out of the son of a bitch-

There was a loud _bang_ and Sirius was thrown back. He hit the wall with enough force to knock the breath out of him and crumpled down into a little heap on the floor. Before he could move Snape had him flat on his back with a knee on his chest, a hand around his throat, and a wand in his face. How had Snape managed this? he wondered a little wildly. He'd never been able to beat Sirius before... Snape was saying something...

"... Just like you Black, to head straight for the physical violence. You're so stupid. No wonder your own father fucked you, it's probably the only thing you're good for."

Sirius opened his mouth to retort, but the only thing that came out was a kind of half strangled snarl.

Snape smirked and leaned in so close that Sirius could practically see his pores oozing grease. "What are you going to do to ensure I stay quiet?" he asked, but loosened his grip on Sirius' throat enough so he could speak.

"What do you want?" Sirius asked hoarsely, begrudgingly. Asking that question was a serious blow on his ego.

Snape smirked again. "I like the sound of that," he said. "I want to know what the deal is with Lupin. Where does he go every month?"

Sirius snorted. If Snape had noticed that Remus disappeared every _month_ and still hadn't put the pieces together, he really was stupider than he looked. "No," he said.

"No?" Snape repeated silkily. "Why not? Is the subject too near and dear?"

"No." Sirius said firmly. "I don't care. But Remus would." This was only half true. Yes, Remus would care, but so would Sirius. But maybe if he acted nonchalantly about it, Snape would forget-

The tip of Snape's wand dug into his cheek. "Then by tomorrow at breakfast the entire school will know what a sick, perverted little freak you are."

_You think I wanted it?_ Sirius wanted to scream angrily. _You think I liked it?_ Instead he just shook his head. He wouldn't tell. He would not betray Remus like that. Nothing short of Snape raping him himself could get him to tell...

Snape slammed his head down onto the floor a few times. Partly, Sirius thought, because he wanted Sirius to tell him, and partly because he simply wanted to. "Fine. Later then," Snape snorted, apparently sensing a lost cause. Sirius had to focus to understand; his words had to fight their way through a haze of pain and confusion. "So you're going to do this instead; next time Potter starts in on me, I want you to stay out of it. Next time I decide to hex Potter or Lupin or Pettigrew, I want you to stay out of it. Understand?"

Sirius nodded painfully.

"Good," Snape said, then adds as an afterthought, "And I want you to do my Transfiguration homework."

"Fine," Sirius muttered.

"And don't tell anyone," Snape hisses, trying to look threatening. Sirius is disturbed to realize that he succeeds. "Good." He bangs Sirius' head against the floor a few more times for good measure, then leaves him lying in the middle of the corridor.

Sirius stayed there for a while. He stared at the ceiling and counted all the times he'd felt worse than he did right then. He only had to use one hand, and even then, not all the fingers. He was pissed at Reggie for telling and pissed at Snape for using it against him and scared that Snape would tell and disgusted with himself for giving in so easily and for being so scared and Good God, he hadn't taken a breath in at least two minutes-

After a little while, he got up off the floor and drug himself up to Gryffindor tower, his eyes burning with unshed tears the whole way. Once in his dormitory, he slid under his covers, and hid his aching head beneath them, but he didn't cry. He _would not cry._ He would not cry because of a filthy, low, disgusting little slug like Severus Snape. But his nightmares had never felt so close as they did right then; he was going to have plenty of noisy nightmares tonight, he was sure, if he could ever fall asleep....

-

-

A/N:

So, basically, chapter 5 sucked, I know, and I'm sorry. Hopefully this one was better. What do you think? Thanks for reading!! Can I have a review please?


	7. Chapter 7

7.

Remus kept his eyes closed, afraid that the pounding behind his eyelids would only grow if he opened them. Everything hurt. His body seemed to be made of nothing but sharp aches and dull throbs, and he was so _tired- _

"Moony?" a far away, fuzzy voice said.

Remus didn't react. He just lied there, and felt himself start to drift off-

"C'mon, Moony, let's get you up onto the bed." Someone tugged at his arm and lifted his shoulders. "Ugh, Wormtail, gimme a hand?"

Someone else pulled on his other arm, and Remus was able to drag himself out of his semi-conscious state in time to get his feet under him, so James and Peter didn't have to carry him. They helped him stumble over to the bed, and as soon as Remus hit the mattress he let the exhaustion wash over him.

"Pomfrey's going to be here in a minute, Moons, we gotta go, okay?" James' voice seemed so far away. "We'll come see you in the hospital wing this afternoon, all right?"

Remus let out a quiet noise of agreement and opened his eyes blearily. Soft, golden light was beginning to trickle its way through the window. One more full moon down. "Thanks," he said softly, amazed at how much effort it took to say that one word.

James grinned at him. "No problem."

Remus glanced over to where Peter was pulling the Invisibility Cloak out of the wardrobe they always stashed it in. A thought tickled the back of his mind, and it took a moment for it to form completely. "Where's Sirius?"

James hesitated for an instant before saying, "He couldn't make it."

"Oh." For some reason the sting of that statement hurt worse than anything else.

"We have to go," Peter said, a little nervous twinge in his voice. He hated cutting it close.

"We'll come see you this afternoon, okay?" James repeated.

"Yeah," Remus nodded, and closed his eyes.

* * *

When they got back to their dormitory Peter collapsed on his bed with a happy sigh. "You know, I like running around with Moony during the full, but I'm always sssoooo tired afterward." Peter yawned hugely and James grinned.

"Just be glad you're running around as a rat and not a werewolf," he said, thinking of all the times they had carried Remus to the bed simply because he was too exhausted to move.

"And that it's saturday," Peter said, and a few moments later he started snoring softly.

James didn't sleep. He sat on his bed, staring at the curtains Sirius had drawn around his bed, and thinking. After a while there was the soft rustle of blankets and the creak of bedsprings. A moment later, Sirius opened his curtains and sat up, swinging his legs over the edge and rubbing his face groggily. He looked at James, sitting wide awake and fully clothed on his bed and asked, "Whatcha doin, Prongs?"

"Nothing, really. Pete and I just got back from the Shack a while ago."

Sirius stared at him for a moment before flopping back down onto his bed and saying, quietly, "Fuck."

"I bet you have a good reason for forgetting," James said coolly, even though he was pretty sure he already knew what that reason was, and didn't think it was good at all. When Sirius didn't reply, he added, "Remus is fine, by the way." He waited for Sirius to say something- anything- but the silence stretched on and finally James broke it. "I hope it was worth it."

"What?" Sirius asked, still lying down and sounding as though he really didn't care.

"I saw you chase after that flamer from Ravenclaw- Liam Gray." James said, knowing he was being insulting and cruel but at that moment thinking that Sirius deserved it.

"What?" Sirius asked again, though he sat up this time and gave James a bewildered look.

James didn't buy it. "You ditched your friends to hook up with a guy you've spoken to maybe twice in your entire life, so... I hope it was worth it."

Sirius stared at him for a moment before sputtering, "That is _not_ what happened!"

"Then what did happen?" James frowned, not really believing him.

Sirius faltered and started to gnaw on his fingernails. "I just... I just forgot, I guess. I ran into... Regulus- and I forgot."

"You forgot?" James asked incredulously. "Padfoot, we've been doing this for a year now. Becoming animagi was your idea. How could you forget?"

"I have my own problems, you know," Sirius snapped. "I just forgot. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You definitely have problems," he agreed. After a moment James decided to forgive him and asked, "What did Regulus have to say?"

But Sirius just snorted, shook his head, and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?"

"To see Remus."

"He'll be sleeping."

"Then to eat breakfast." By then he was dressed; he stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Peter grunted in his sleep but didn't wake up. James just sighed and kicked off his shoes, and decided that it was a good thing Sirius didn't want to be followed, because he was just too tired to try.

* * *

Sirius picked at his breakfast, eating little. The toast tasted like cardboard, and the look of the eggs made him nauseous. It was early on a saturday, so the Great Hall was relatively empty, and he was glad for it. He needed a little time in the daylight, away from his nightmares and friends, to think. He'd forgotten about the full moon, _twice_ in the space of an hour. That was nothing short of ridiculous, but the only thing he could do about that was apologize and make sure it didn't happen again. What he couldn't do, is explain why it had happened at all, and that's what really got him. He really was a terrible liar, especially when he tried to lie to James, but he really didn't have a choice. Telling James that he'd run into Regulus instead of Snape was a safe lie, though. James wouldn't talk to Regulus, but if he ever got wind of the fact that Snape was blackmailing his best friend, he'd pounce and rip him to shreds, but that wouldn't stop Snape from telling the entire school...

He sighed and rested his head on the table, trying to think of a way to apologize to Remus, of a lie to tell his friends that would at least keep them at a distance if it didn't completely fool them-

_thwack_

Sirius jumped and sat up to see a pile of parchment that had been slapped down on the table next to his head. "What the-"

"My transfiguration homework," a sneering voice said, and Sirius twisted in his seat to see Snape standing over him. Snape regarded him for a moment before saying coolly, "You look tired, Black. Nightmares?"

Sirius just snorted and turned back to his breakfast.

"Wet dreams, then? About your own father? Disgusting."

Without thinking, Sirius was on his feet, his hand fisted in the front of Snape's robes, wand under Snape's chin, but Snape just raised an eyebrow at him and said, "Do you honestly believe I won't tell? I will. And I'll enjoy it."

Sirius knew that was true so, even though it bruised his ego and made him shake with fury, he let go of Snape and sat back down, turning, once again, to his breakfast.

"It's due monday," Snape said, and Sirius could hear the smirk in his voice.

* * *

Remus could feel the sunlight on his face. He was warm and comfortable, minus a few small aches and pains, and all he really wanted to do right then was fall back asleep- but he heard something, someone shifting in a chair, and curiosity beat out sleep. He opened his eyes and looked around.

"Hey, Moony," Sirius said.

Remus stared at him for a moment, trying to decide how he wanted to react. "Hey."

"How are you feeling?" Sirius asked, shifting nervously.

""M fine," Remus shrugged and sat up. "What happened to you last night?" And something _had_ happened, he could see it in Sirius' face.

"What?"

"What happened? Why didn't you come to the Shack?"

"I... I ran into Regulus," Sirius muttered.

"What did he have to say?" Remus asked quietly. Sirius was lying to him.

"Just brother stuff. You know." Remus just stared at him, his face impassive. After a moment Sirius continued. "And afterward, I was... I just... I was kind of upset and I just... went to bed. Completely forgot about the moon, Moony, I'm sorry."

Remus shrugged. "It's all right."

Sirius looked as though he didn't quite believe him. "Really?"

"Yeah," Remus said. "Like I said last night, it's not your problem to deal with. So don't worry about it."

"Moony, that's not it-"

"Then what is it?" Remus interrupted.

Sirius opened his mouth to reply, but then promptly closed it.

"It's fine Sirius. Now if you don't mind, I'm tired. I'd like to go back so sleep."

Sirius blinked, then nodded and said, "Yeah, all right, Moony. I'll see you later." He left.

Remus lied back down and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes for a moment. He'd meant what he'd said the night before, that he couldn't and didn't expect his friends to take care of his problems for him... But then why did it hurt so much that Sirius hadn't shown up last night? He knew it was selfish of him to be hurt, to be angry, and he hated himself for it, but he truly couldn't help it. The fact that Sirius had lied to him hurt worse. Remus wasn't sure what had happened last night, but he was sure that Sirius hadn't talked to Regulus.

* * *

A/N: WOW. It has been SOOOO long since I posted ANYTHING and I am really really sorry. Hopefully now that school is winding I'll have more time to write. Anyway, it was kind of hard to get back into the swing of things, ('things' being writing fanfics). How'd I do?


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